Chasing Xander
by Xanderlike
Summary: Xander Harris may just be perfect for her except for one small detail. He's a guy. XanderKennedy. Yes, Really. Give It A Shot, Folks.
1. Chapter 1

Not my universe. It belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. So do most of the characters.

Late night phone calls are never good news.

"Xander?"

"The one and only."

"It's Dawn. Someone got hurt tonight."

"Who?" I'm wide awake now. Nothing like hearing that one of the people you care about more than life itself could be hurt.

"One of the new Slayers. Mary Sue."

First there was a rush of relief that it wasn't Buffy or Faith or one of the slayers I'd brought to the new Council of Watchers. Then the backwash of guilt. Even if I didn't know this girl, she was still fighting the good fight and putting her life on the line for all of us. "I don't know her."

"You're lucky. She's kind of a pain, actually. Acts like she's God's gift to Slayerdom. Maybe this'll teach her a little humility."

"So why did you call me, Dawnie?"

"Kennedy's with her. She's taken Mary Sue's injuries a little hard. We need someone to pick her up and take her home. Kennedy, that is. Not Mary Sue. She's going to be staying where she is for a while."

I'd heard about Will and Kennedy's breakup, of course. It had been bad—not in the "Glowy Eyed Dark Willow" sense, but bad enough. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt to know that Will herself never talked to me about it, but I'd made peace long ago with the fact that I was no longer the person Willow came to for comfort and support.

It's amazing what you can live through…

"So why me?"

Dawn pauses. It's never a good thing when someone has to take that long to reply to a simple question. Either they're going to lie to you, or they're going to tell you something that you really don't want to hear. Either way, it's not of the good. "Willow's out of town with her new girlfriend. Giles is in research mode in England. Faith and Robin are on a mission. And me … well, I've never really gotten along well with Kennedy."

"So what you're saying is that it comes down to either me or Andrew?"

"Yeah. Someone needs to get her out of there before she does something stupid."

"So this Mary Sue … what is she to Kennedy?" If she's Kennedy's girlfriend, there's not a lot that I'm going to be able to do. You don't take a Slayer away from a loved one; not if you want to keep all your limbs intact.

"She's one of her students. I don't think there's anything else going on between them, but Kennedy looks after her own. I'll say that for her."

I swing my feet onto the cold floor. "No promises, Dawnie, but I'll see what I can do. Where can I find her?"

"Thanks, Xander. You're a treasure." Dawn gives me the hospital's address and I jot it down.

"That's what all the ladies say, Dawnster."

"Bye, Xan."

"Bye, Dawnie. Sweet dreams."

It's late and it's cold and I'm missing California. I'm not really looking forward to this, but sleep's going to have to wait until I see if I can calm a woman down who can break me like a bad habit.

Oh yeah. It's good to be me.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know why I'm here anymore.

Mary Sue doesn't even know I'm here. She's unconscious, zonked out on enough drugs to put even a Slayer into happy land. She lost a lot of blood, and she'd be a goner if she wasn't one of the Chosen Many, but she is and she's not.

Even if she had known I was here, she wouldn't have cared. She's not my friend. I don't have friends. I haven't had friends since I became a Potential Slayer. When I had Willow, I didn't want friends. She was all I needed …

But now that she's gone…

I bite my lip to keep from crying, and walk over to the window.

I'm supposed to be the strong one. I haven't cried since I was a little girl. I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone …

But I want Willow … even now, after she's stopped wanting me, stopped loving me, I still want her …

"Kennedy?"

"Harris."

"Oh, come on. We've been through enough that you can call me Xander." He grins at me, and the eye patch reproaches me. Xander lost that eye because he saved me. I owe him better treatment …

"Sorry. Xander."

"So what happened?"

"Vampires. She found a nest and attacked it all by herself. To give her credit, she got them all … but they almost got her too. She was carrying one of my cards and the hospital called me."

"You have cards?"

"Officially, I'm a self defense instructor." I grin at him.

"I'm sure you're good at it. You always did good training the Potentials." He reaches over and touches my cheek, and I'm surprised by how good it feels. The only time I'm touched these days is when I'm training or fighting. "Ken, you look like hell. When was the last time you got some sleep?"

"I don't know. You know, Slayer stamina and all that …"

Xander smirks at me until I laugh. He's got one of the most expressive faces that I've ever seen on a guy … or maybe he's just one of the few guys that I've ever looked at that closely.

"Ken, look, Dawnie'll make sure that that someone else comes and does the body guard shtick for Mary Sue. You need a good night's sleep, and a good meal. Come with me, and in the morning I'll make sure you have a patented Xander Harris breakfast special that'll satisfy even a Slayer's metabolism."

"Xander Harris, are you asking me to go home with you?" I manage to look both shocked and offended.

"Um—I meant—"

I made Xander Harris blush! I can't believe I made a guy who did the horizontal mambo with Faith herself blush…

I laugh then and surprise both of us by hugging him. "Thanks, Xander. I needed that."

"Anytime, Ken." He's pretty good at this hugging stuff. He's not touching anything he shouldn't, but he's holding me close enough that I can feel his sympathy and support. It feels good …

"Okay, Xan. As soon as Summers has someone here to look after Mary Sue, we can blow this joint."

I'm still hugging him, and I don't really feel like letting go … it's been a long time since it felt like anyone gave a damn about me…

But why did it have to be a guy …?


	3. Chapter 3

It's not every day I wake up with a beautiful woman in my bed. Of course, with the usual Harris luck, she would have to be a lesbian …

I've seen tired before, but I don't want to think about how tired a Slayer must be to sleep like that. She's been dead to the world from the moment her head touched the pillow. She didn't even take the time to make a stereotypically female comment about the state of my apartment. It's a rare woman who can enter Casa De Xander and hold her tongue.

Poor Ken has been in a bad way ever since she and Willow had broken up. I won't say that I was surprised that they hadn't lasted. Willow had been hurt too badly by the loss of Tara, and Kennedy had come into her life too soon. I won't say that Will hadn't tried, but the timing hadn't been right.

Of course maybe Kennedy would have been able to cope a little better if Will hadn't almost immediately wound up dating another Slayer within weeks of dumping Ken. The fact that Will's new girl looked enough like Tara to be mistaken for her sister couldn't have helped matters …

I shrug the thought away.

Thinking about Willow isn't a good idea for me. Sometimes I thank God that we had never gone beyond the Fluke—and that our friendship hadn't been permanently ruined by it. There was no way in H E double hockeysticks that Ms. "Gay Now" and I could have worked out as a couple …

But there are times when I find myself wishing that I had been able to tell Will the truth about what I had felt for her in those days when she was free and open to the idea. Who knows what we might have had if I had been a little braver?

So I firmly shut the door on Willow-thoughts and get off my couch—getting too old to pull all fighters on the couch—and make my way to the kitchen. I had promised Ken a Dander-style breakfast and I always keep my promises …

Err, except for the "Marry me Anya" one …

Damn. I was supposed to keep Anya-thoughts out of my head too. Idle thoughts make Xander a regretful boy … just goes to show that I needed to get busy.

Now if you ever have occasion to make breakfast for a Slayer, be sure to make a lot of food. If you make them lunch, make a lot of food. If you make them a snack, make a lot … well, you get the idea. All that super strength and inhuman reflexes burns a lot of calories, and even Buffy can put away more food than a lumberjack in winter …

So for Kennedy, I pulled out all the stops. Bacon. Sausage. Scrambled eggs. Pancakes. Homemade gravy (Grandma Harris's secret recipe) and lots of biscuits. Add in freshbrewed coffee and some fresh OJ, and I was feeling rather proud of myself.

"Oh my God … I've died and gone to Breakfast Heaven."

"Breakfast Heaven?" I turn and there's Kennedy standing in the doorway to my kitchen wearing my bathrobe … and that looks to be all that she's wearing …


	4. Chapter 4

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel … fragile. I'm not supposed to be fragile. I'm Kennedy. I'm a Slayer. I'm the hard case Slayer who can handle anything. This isn't me. It can't be me.

But Xander Harris is looking at me with a goofy grin and I'm wearing his bathrobe and all I want to do right now is ask him to hug me again.

I'm going nuts. That has to be the only explanation. Willow Rosenberg dumps me and I go to pieces. I must be crazy.

"Breakfast heaven?" Xander asks me again as he pours me a cup of coffee.

"Hey, not all of us have that built-in Scooby knack for wordplay." I take a sip of the orange juice and sit down at the table. "You know, I have to admit I'm impressed. When you said you'd make me breakfast, I was expecting you to make a run for the Golden Arches. I didn't know you could cook!"

"Don't underestimate my many talents, Ken. You'd be amazed at what I can do." He begins heaping food on my plate. "Now not a word from you until you clean this plate off, young lady. There are Slayers in China who'd kill to have a nice spread like this set out for them, so you just sit there like a good girl and eat."

I'm surprised at how hungry I am once I actually start to eat. It seems like it's been forever since food tasted good to me, but once I start I don't have any problems at all eating everything on my plate, and two more servings besides.

After I finish, I start to get up to help him with the dishes, but he tells me to sit down and I surprise myself by doing so. I'm not used to having someone do things for me. I've always been the doer in every relationship I've ever had. The only one I ever listened to was my Watcher …

"So what have you been doing lately, Xander?" I hadn't seen him since he came back from Africa. Being painfully honest, I have to admit that I wouldn't have gone out of my way to see him before he came back. He was just Willow's friend … a goofy, good-natured guy, but still a GUY. I've never had any use for guys—in any capacity.

"Well, you know that not all of the new Slayers have signed on to join up at Camp Buffy. Robin and I have been putting together a support system for the girls who decide to stay away from Slayer Central. Woody gives them a mini-pack of Slayer lore-y goodness and I make sure their homes are built to withstand demons trying to break in and such. Trying to convince a Slayer to do something she doesn't want to do is an exercise in futility; Robbie and I just want to make sure that they have the tools they need to stay alive in case they change their minds."

"Wow. You know, that's a really good idea. Have you guys thought about offering them some hand to hand combat training?"

"Well, Woodsy had been planning on doing that, but there's only so much that a non-Slayer can teach a Chosen One." He kneels down at my side and takes my right hand between both of his own and gives me a puppy dog expression. "Please tell me that you're thinking about helping … I'll be forever grateful. You'll have my eternal love and devotion … and Twinkies!"

"With an offer like that, how could I refuse?" I love the way his hands feel as they squeeze my fingers. "I'm sure that I can talk Faith into taking over my classes for me for a few days … Oh crud!"

"What's wrong?"

"I need to call Faith and let her know I'm going to be late. We were supposed to spar for my class today."

"Oh? Was Jell-O involved by any chance?"

"In your dreams, Xander." Okay, sometimes it was in MY dreams. Faith is a hottie. Rumor to the contrary, though, I'd never known her to go out with anyone but Robin Wood.

Xander hands me his kitchen phone. "I'm going to brush my teeth, Ken. I can drop you off at Slayer Central if you like. I'm headed that way myself."

"I'd like that." I watch him as he goes, and then dial Faith's number.

"Yo, Xander. What's up, stud?"

"Faith, it's Kennedy." I'm surprised at the feeling that just went through me when I heard Faith call Xander "stud." Why am I feeling jealous?

"K? What are you doing calling me from Xander's phone? Is he okay?"

"He's fine. He's getting ready to take me back to the Compound. I needed to let you know that I was going to be late … and to see if you'd watch my morning class till I got there."

"Sure thing, K. Us Slayers gotta stick together. You want to grab a bite after?"

"Um, Xander already made me breakfast. I couldn't eat another bite."

"Oh yeah? Sounds to me like you've got quite a story to tell me, K. See you soon." She pauses. "Oh, and give Xander a kiss for me."

Surprisingly, kissing Xander Harris doesn't sound like that bad an idea to me right now…


	5. Chapter 5

I had almost managed to convince the G-Man to use "Professor Giles' School for Gifted Youngsters" as the official name of Slayer Central when that little so and so Andrew clued him in. Still, Giles did agree with me that a school was the best cover story we could come up with to explain why dozens of teenage girls would be living together without drawing undue attention from the authorities. I never thought I'd live to hear the words "Xander is right" said with a British accent …

The building was big and old—I think that Giles would have a heart attack if he lived in something that was built after the 19th Century—but the G-Man has done a good job of getting his hands on the old Council's assets, so buying it hadn't been a problem. It was going to take some time until it was a Grade A Fortress of Slayeritude, but we'd made a good start on it.

"Thanks for letting me crash at your place last night, Xander." Kennedy's hair is still wet, and I think that look is very becoming for her. I love a woman who doesn't spend half an hour blow-drying her hair before she sets foot outside …

"No problem, Ken. It was my pleasure." I pulled my truck up to the front of the school. "I'm going to talk to G-Man and Robin o' the Wood about the Slayer Road Trip thingie. Is it okay with you if I mention to His Watchfulness that you've agreed to come along and help?"

"Sure. It'd be fun to get away for a while."

"Yeah, me and Robin are Kings of the Fun. You'll have a heck of a good time with me. Er, us."

Kennedy giggles as she opens the door. "How could a girl turn down an offer like that?" She shuts the door and takes two steps to the front of the school, then turns around. "Xander? Could you join me for dinner tonight? I'm buying."

"I'm always down for the free eats, Ken. I'd love to."

"Great. I'll see you then."

"Great."

Then comes one of those awkward pause things that I love so well.

"Kennedy?"

"Yes?"

"Why are we still here?"

"I—" Next thing I know, Kennedy has walked over to my side of the truck and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thanks a lot for last night. I really needed it."

She's looking at me for a moment and I'm trying to read the look in her eyes …

And the next thing I know, she's given me a little peck on the cheek. "You know, I don't recall Willow as being so stubbly …" One of her hands brushes against my cheek.

"I'll have to ask Will about her shaving secrets." I can't believe a kiss on the cheek can make me blush, but right now my face feels as hot as an Easy Bake Oven.

"So … I'll call you tonight, Xander."

"I'll be counting the minutes, Ken."

With that, Kennedy turns and walks into the School, and it takes me a moment to realize that I was paying VERY close attention …

No way I wasn't checking out the ex-girl of my Lesbian best friend. Nope. Not happening …

I am so screwed …

((Special thanks to my friend Stacy for her help dealing with the writer's block that hit

me on this chapter …))


	6. Chapter 6

I can't believe I kissed a guy. Okay, it was just a kiss on the cheek, but still--! The last time I kissed a guy had been at my grandfather's funeral when I was eight. It wasn't the kiss I had intended, but I'm still feeling weak in the knees … OMG, I kissed a guy!

And I asked him out. Where am I supposed to take a guy out that I'm thinking about dating? Somehow I don't think my favorite bar is going to be to his taste … I don't think a gay bar is going to give him "Hey, I think I might like you" vibes from me …

And I'm babbling. I'm doing Willow-babble. This is so Not Me. Does Xander Harris turn every woman into a babbling loon?

Get a grip, Kennedy. You're a grown woman, a Slayer. Get a grip.

I haven't really looked for a place since Willow and I broke up. All I have right now is a little room of my own that's behind the gym. It's not much, but it's been enough for me so far. Granted, it had been awfully nice to sleep on a real bed instead of a cot last night … maybe I should go looking for an apartment. I'm sure Xander would help me…

Um, okay. This Xander-obsession has got to stop. Just because I might like a guy—for the first time EVER—I don't have to turn into an idiot.

I hear Faith barking orders at the girls as I reach my room. Poor kids. I've got a reputation as being a hard case instructor, but Faith can make me look soft. She'll come across as their best friend and then punch them in the gut. She's nasty that way.

Gotta love that in a Slayer…

It doesn't take long for me to change into some fresh clothing and then make my way back to the gym.

"And just remember, girls, your stake is your best friend. It can make the difference between life and death … and keep you company on a lonely night …"

There's a spate of nervous laughter … no one can really be sure when Faith is joking about something like that …and that's when I make my entrance.

"And on that disturbing note, I'm back. Hi, girls. Hope you don't mind Faith's minding you until I could make it."

"Hi, K." Faith's eyes are sparkling with curiosity, and I know that she's going to be after me to spill my guts about how I wound up at Xander's place last night, but I push that thought away. One crisis at a time.

"Hi, Faith. You mind helping me show the girls some holds and attacks?"

"No problem, K. I'm always ready to help out a friend."

Sparring with Faith is always interesting. Each Slayer seems to have a special strength. Buffy is the strongest Slayer around, able to take an unbelievable amount of punishment. Faith has less strength, but she's got a kind of grace and agility that can make her hard as hell to hold on—and the girl doesn't know when to quit. Rona is fast as lightning, and Violet got a sense of balance like nothing I've ever seen.

My reflexes are my gift. I may not hit as hard as Buffy or as fast as Rona, but I'm good at blocking attacks while launching my own. My first Watcher trained and drilled me so much that fighting is second nature to me.

Fighting Faith is a lot like trying to punch out smoke. She can dodge and weave like the wind, and lash out like lightning. She's one of the few people who can lay a glove on me. When I do manage to get her in a hold, she can wiggle free like a snake.

This isn't just a sparring match, though, so we have to keep things down a notch or two to allow the girls a chance to see what we're doing, and how to counter our moves. Even so, it's rare that I get to let go like this, and both Faith and I are sweating pretty heavily by the time it's all over.

"Wow, K," Faith whispers into my ear after I dismiss the class. "Spending the night with Xander agrees with you. You had your groove thing going!"

"Thanks, Faith." I pop some change into a vending machine and buy bottled water. It's cold and I drain half the bottle on the first swallow and then slump down to the floor. "Faith, I kissed him."

"What?"

"I kissed Xander. Outside. I kissed a guy. I've never kissed a guy before. What the hell is wrong with me?"

"It doesn't sound like you hated it," Faith said as she bought a bottle of her own. "And I know from experience that he's not a bad kisser …"

Again the jealousy flares. "It was just his cheek …"

"So why the hang-up?"

"I wanted to kiss him on the lips. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. But you know what's weird? I still want to."

"I'm still not getting the problem, K."

"He's a guy. I don't like guys."

"Sounds to me like you're liking this one particular guy. What's the big deal?"

"I'm gay. I like women."

"Are you saying you've never kissed ANY guy before?"

"Not like this."

"Wow. Don't ever tell him that. You know what it'd do to a guy's ego to hear that? He'd be insufferable."

"Xander's not like that."

"Chill, K. I'm not ragging on your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Yet. Tell me that you don't want him to be, and I'll let it drop."

I try to speak, but no words come out. I sigh, finish my water, and put my head in my hands. "I am so screwed."

"K, you ever consider the possibility that you might be bi? Liking Xander doesn't mean that you don't like women. It just means that you're open to something you didn't expect."

"Faith, you don't understand. I don't know how to be with a guy. I don't know how to be me with a guy. This could change everything for me. I don't know how to do this."

"I wish I could help you, K. You're going to have to figure out what you want."

"You think I should go for it."

"Yeah, I do. You know me. Want. Take. Have. And if he's this under your skin now, it's only going to get worse for you." Faith grins. "Or maybe better."

"I asked him out to dinner. I have no idea what to do."

"Here's a thought, K. Go out to dinner. Maybe catch a movie or have some drinks afterwards. You don't have to make a big production out of this. It's not like you're going to declare your undying love. Just spend some time with him and see if he's really all that and a bag of chips. At worst, you'll be out some cash. At best …" Faith winks at me.

"Yeah. You're right. All I have to do is just spend one evening with him. There's no pressure. Just me and Xander …"

My stomach is doing flip-flops. I can't believe how nervous I'm feeling.

I'm going out on a date.. with a guy …!


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm still not totally convinced that this is a good idea, Xander. We should be working at convincing the girls to come to the school rather than encourage them to work on their own. A trained Slayer is far more effective than …"

"You want I should get Buffy for this speech, G-Man?" I grin at Giles and sit down on the edge of his desk. "I know you're big on the whole 'Hogwarts for Slayers' thing you've got going on here, but you have to admit that it wasn't the Watchers Council that made Buffy the uber Slayer that she is. She didn't follow the Slayer handbook."

"I am not Quentin Travers and this isn't his Council." Giles is getting twitchy in his old age—especially when I suggest that the new Council isn't the be-all and end-all for Slaying.

"No, you're not. But you are putting all your Slayers in one basket—and if something happens to us here, who will carry on the fight? You're not going to force these girls to come here against their will—Buffy wouldn't let you even if you wanted to. They need help. Training. We can't turn our back on them. They won't come to us, we go to them."

"Very well, Xander." G-Man polishes his glasses and looks at me. "Now please get off my desk before I am forced to hurt you."

"Anything you say, G-Man."

"And don't call me G-Man."

"Sure thing, G-Man."

"Do not taunt happy fun Watcher, Xander. Bad things happen when you do that."

"Buffy! When did you get back to the States?"

"Last night with Giles." Buffy gives good hugs. She's been a lot better off since we left the Pit Formerly Known as Sunnydale. Maybe her new beau had something to do with it. Maybe one of these days she'll actually get around to telling us what his name is.

"How is Morty anyway?"

"He's fine." Buffy mock glares at me. "Buy a girl a soda, big guy?"

"Sure thing, Buffster. G-Man, Robin said he'd come up with a list of stops for our road trip. Kennedy said she'd be willing to go along to help give the girls some tips, so if Faith doesn't want to hang, we've got our Slayer quota filled."

"Kennedy?" Buffy's eyes turned anime huge.

"Yeah."

"Willow's ex? That Kennedy?"

"Unless you know any other Slayers named Kennedy, that's the one."

"Wow. I mean, wow."

"What does that mean?"

"Kennedy's never exactly been a joiner. Honestly, I'm surprised that she's still here. I always figured that once she and Willow broke it off, Kennedy would take off for parts unknown."

"She's a Slayer, Buff. She's in it to help people. And she's not a quitter."

"Geez, Xander. When did you become Kennedy's number one fan?"

"She's been training the new Slayers ever since we set this place up. Even after she and Willow split, she's stayed here and done her job. I know she's not exactly Ms. Popular, but she does at least her share here. And she deserves some respect for that."

"You're right, Xander."

"Damn, I love when people say that."

"I'm trying to give you some credit, Harris. Don't go ruin it by being such a Xander."

"Yeah, well, you know me …"

Oh my God.

"Xander, what's wrong?"

Kennedy and Faith are by the soda machine. Hot sweaty Kennedy and Faith are by the soda machine.

"Xander, so help me, if you start to drool I am going to slap you silly!"

I know that voice. That's Buffy's voice. I remember Buffy. I have a feeling that I should be paying attention to her, but somehow I'm not.

Um, eye? Why are we looking at Kennedy instead of Faith? Remember Faith? The woman we actually got to see naked and have sex with? Yeah, she's with our good buddy Robin, but at least she's straight and we got lucky once. Kennedy doesn't stop at Boystown …

But she's so freakin' hot …

And I'm talking to my eye. Oh crud.

I am so screwed.


	8. Chapter 8

What with most of my clothing still in boxes since I moved out of Willow's place, I didn't have a lot to wear. Faith offered to loan me something, but I really didn't want to play Faith-lite. That's not my style, and I didn't want Xander thinking about Faith when he was with me …

Damn. There goes that jealousy thing again …

Finally, I decided to settle on my most comfortable jeans and a T-shirt. I've never been a fashion plate, and girly-girl has never been my thing. It was still pretty warm out, but I wore a jean jacket anyway because it had an inner pocket sewn in it to hold my stake. I'd sooner forget my underwear—if I wore any—than my stake …

"Hi, Ken. Ready for the Xander Harris experience?" Xander's smiling at me, and I can't help smiling back.

"I've got my E-Ticket, Xander."

"So color me curious, Ken. Where are we heading?"

"It's in walking distance. I think you'll have fun."

"I've got the company of a beautiful woman all to myself, so how can it not be fun?"

"You think I'm beautiful?" I can't believe I just said that. Am I TRYING to make myself look like an idiot?

"Well, yeah. I may have only one eye, but I'm not blind." Xander smiles sweetly at me and touches my cheek. "Trust me on this, Ken."

There's just something about the way he says things like that that makes me feel … happy. I'd had been lonely for so long that I'd forgotten what it felt like to have someone pay attention to me. And when someone like Xander Harris looks at you like that … it really is amazing.

"Thank you, Xander. Come on. Let's go."

We only had to walk a few blocks before we reached the street fair that I had heard about from one of the girls. There were elephant ears and corn dogs and cotton candy, and just about every other form of junk food you can imagine. People dressed in clown outfits were running around the streets.

Xander shudders. "Clowns. Clowns are evil."

I squeeze his hand. "Don't worry, Xander. I'll protect you."

"Saved by the Slayer. Thanks, Ken." He squeezes my hand in return.

And somehow, it doesn't seem like I have to let go of his hand. His hand is larger than mine, larger than Willow's. It's strong and callused from the work that he does, and it feels like it belongs in mine.

"Anytime, Xan. Anytime."

"You know, in spite of the fearsome clowns, I think that this was a great idea. I feel like I've died and come to junk food heaven."

"There are corn dogs in heaven?"

"There should be."

I don't know how much we eat, but I do know that somehow no matter what, we always wind up holding hands again. We're sharing cotton candy when we walk past a ball booth vendor.

"C'mon, Mister. Win a stuffed animal for your little lady."

"What do you think, 'little lady'?"

"Go on, Xan. Give it a shot. That stuffed beagle is calling my name."

"Yeah?"

"Well, he's lisping because his tongue is stuck out, but I definitely think he's trying to say my name."

"Far be it for me to disappoint you and the beagle."

He gives it a good try, but he can't seem to quite knock the cups down to win the prize. After three tries, the beagle is still on the wall, the vendor is grinning, and Xander is looking ready to pop.

"Mind if I give it a shot, honeybunch?" I ask him with a grin and a wink, doing my best to look all girly and helpless. "It looks like fun."

There's a gleam in his eye when Xander hands me his last ball and says, "Sure, snugglelips."

I tossed the ball almost negligently at the cups, and they went down. "Oh. Did I do that?"

"I'm sure it was just a fluke, sweetheart. Why don't you give it another try?" Xander grins.

I won about half a dozen stuffed animals before the vendor finally asked us to leave. Laughing, we gave all but the beagle away to some kids and made our way back to the school.

"Does it bother you?"

"What?"

"That I was able to out throw you."

"Are you kidding? I spent my teen years having a crush on a girl who could bench-press a Yugo."

"You had a crush on Buffy?" That was something that I hadn't heard from Willow in all the time we were together. To be fair, I wasn't really that interested in anything but her anyway, so even if she had told me I wouldn't have paid attention.

"Yes. Unfortunately, the Buffster's tends to prefer older men who lack pulses, so I never really had a shot with her." I'm alert to hear if there's any bitterness in his voice, but I can't find it.

"Are you still in love with her?"

"Buffy?" Xander chuckles. "No. I can't imagine a time when I won't love her, but I'm not in love with her. We've been through a lot, and I'd follow her into hell again if she needed me to, but it's not a romantic love. She's more like a sister to me … a sister who just doesn't have much time for me right now."

"You miss her."

"I do. Her and Willow. Even G-Man. Dawnie is the only one I speak to on a regular basis now. They're busy doing the whole 'We're in charge of saving the world now' thing. I'm lucky if I see them once every couple of months."

"You saved the world a lot too, Xan—and I'm not just talking about the yellow crayon story."

"Thanks, Ken. That means a lot to me."

"No problem, honeybunch." We stop at the door to the school again. "Well, thanks for going out with me, Xan. It was fun."

"There was snacky goodness, and stuffed animals. It's all good." He pauses. "And I got to spend the evening with you. It was a lot of fun for me too."

"So …"

"Yeah …"

I look at him.

He looks at me.

"I guess I had better get going. See you soon?"

"Yeah."

"Good night." He kisses my cheek and then turns to go.

"Xander?"

"Yeah?"

Without stopping to think about what I'm doing—if I think, I know I'll never have the guts—I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him passionately on the lips.


	9. Chapter 9

Two cold showers later, and I'm still thinking about kissing Kennedy.

I had been completely and totally surprised … and more than a little bit turned on. It'd been such a long time …

And then some of her students walked in on us, and Kennedy pulled a Cinderella without leaving me so much as a glass shoe for my Prince Charming bit.

Half of me wanted to sink into the ground in embarrassment. Half of me wanted to chase after Kennedy and kiss the hell out of her. Being Xander, I split the difference and slunk back to my apartment with my metaphorical tail between my legs.

Sleeping quickly turned out of the question as every time I started to drift off I began having Kennedy-flavored dreams … and those were anything but restful.

"Get a grip, Harris," I tell myself as I drink my sixth cup of coffee. Great. Hormonal AND over-caffinated. I'm just asking for trouble. "That kiss didn't mean what you thought it meant. She was just … doing something that a lesbian shouldn't be doing."

I have to think about this. Yeah, I know. "Thinking" and "Xander" are not two words that normally go together, but I have to figure out what's going on. I've been in life and death situations for years now. I'm no Willow, but I'm not an idiot. I can figure this out if I try hard enough.

Maybe Kennedy had been aiming for my cheek and just missed … though the tongue kind of made that option unlikely.

Maybe it was just gratitude? I know she's been having a rough time lately. She just wanted to thank me … with her tongue.

Or magic. It could be magic. Someone could have thought it would be great fun for the Lesbian Ex of Wonder Wicca Willow to wind up smooching her used-to-be best friend …

Or maybe she just found me attractive and decided that she wasn't going to let a little thing like gender get in the way of her feelings …

Nah. Had to be magic. Had to be a spell. Even if Kennedy had decided to switch teams, she would have chosen someone else to be her boy toy …

Yeah. Magic. That's it. No way that Kennedy could be feeling what I'm feeling … the poor girl is probably going to blow her top when she realizes that she's been bewitched into being attracted to me …

And as tempting as it was to have a woman like Kennedy enthralled with me, this couldn't stand. She didn't deserve this. I wasn't going to let someone hurt her like this.

She deserves better than … me.

So, someone magicked Kennedy into liking me. For every spell, there's a counterspell. Willow told me that once.

Or was it something I saw on _Bewitched_?

I glance at the clock again and sigh with relief. It's finally a semi-reasonable hour. Now I can make the call.

I'm surprised that I have to actually think about her number. In another time and place, it would have been instinctive … but those days are long gone. Still, I know she'll help me because she's …

"Willow? This is Xander. I need to see you ASAP…."


	10. Chapter 10

Two cold showers later, and I'm still thinking about kissing Xander.

I liked it. I wasn't sure I would like it, but I did. I'm not crazy about stubble, but there's something different about a guy's mouth …

I want to do it again. Actually I want to grab Xander and drag him into his apartment and …

I'm not sure what. I don't know if I'd have the nerve for what's coming to mind. I don't even know if I really want to do what I'm thinking about doing.

What, me scared? Of course not. I'm Kennedy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not scared of anything…

Okay, not buying that one?

Me either.

Xander had to know how I felt about him now. No one could be so oblivious as to not catch my meaning …

Well, okay. It IS Xander.

I've never really been you call shy. When I wanted something—wanted someone—then I went all out to get what I wanted. It had always worked for me in the past … until Willow.

No.

I'm not going to go there. I am not going to let Willow-funk get me down. I'm not going to beat myself up over her any longer. It happened. We were together, and now we're not. We'll never be together again. And she's not what I want.

Okay, sleep is obviously not going to be an option for me now.

What would have happened if I hadn't run away? Would we have kept on kissing? Would we have talked? Would we have … ?

I don't know. Maybe that's why I ran.

I can just imagine what those girls who walked in on us are going to be telling the others. I wonder if I can actually teach this morning without blushing like an idiot?

Okay. Enough of this. I'm going to do something else. If I can't sleep, maybe a good morning workout will help me relax.

There's something about walking around when everyone else is fast asleep. It's one of my favorite things to do. In the house I grew up in, being alone was always one of the hardest things to accomplish. If it wasn't my parents or sister, it was one of the servants … maybe that's why I jumped at the chance to run off and be trained as a Slayer. At that point in my life, I was ready for the whole solitary life thing …

I trot down to the gym and stop at the door …

Xander.

And Willow.

She's in his arms. She's laughing. I can see the love in her eyes as she looks at him.

And he's looking back at her as though nothing else exists in the world but Willow's smile.

And all I want to do right now is die …


	11. Chapter 11

God, I had missed Willow.

I can't remember a time when I didn't know her. To this day, I don't know why she had stood by me all those years. I don't know why I hadn't lost her when I started chasing Buffy like a moron or mooned over countless other girls that I can't even recall the names of …

And no, Cordy. I'm not counting you there. I couldn't forget you if I tried. You'd never let me.

We had made it through everything, but adulthood. Willow was Uber Wicca College Lesbian Girl and I was Joe Non-College Temp Job Guy who was rapidly turning out to be everything that my parents said I was. If not for the Hellmouthiness of Sunnydale, we would have drifted out of each other's lives and would have been total strangers by the time of our first class reunion …

But when I called her, she was there for me.

I won't tell you what we said to each other while Willow worked her magic to see if there was something going on that made Kennedy burn for some Xander lovin'. Some things you don't share.

But I will say this. When all was said and done, I knew that Willow still cared for me as much as I cared for her.

I'm not in love with Willow, and she's sure as heck not in love with me. What we have is something all its own. She's the other half of my soul, and she always will be.

And with the usual Harris luck, Kennedy would happen to walk into the gym right at the happy conclusion of my talk with Willow when we were hugging each other like there was no tomorrow.

"Xander …"

"Kennedy!" As long as I live, I'll never forget the look in her eyes. The sadness … the betrayal. She looks like someone has kicked her puppy.

She doesn't say a word. She just turns and runs away.

"Will …"

"Go, you big dummy." She pushes me away. "We can talk later."

And the next thing I know, I'm running after her. Chasing Kennedy. Chasing her like my life depended on it.

And you know, that's a lot harder than it sounds. Especially for a guy who's been drinking way too much beer and eating way too much junk food. I seriously began to think that I was going to lose my breakfast …

Oh well. Humiliation and me are kissing cousins by this point. It won't kill me.

Kennedy reaches her little room and slams the door shut in my face. I stand there and beat on it for ten minutes before I have breath enough to speak again.

"Go away, Xander. Go back to her. She's what you want."

"Ken, let me in."

"Go, Xander."

"Like hell." I slam my shoulder into the door. "Ow."

"Xander, did you just try to break my door down?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. The door's fine. My shoulder on the other hand …"

"Xander … please. Go."

There's a crowd gathering now. Dawn is yawning and wondering what the hell I'm up to. Buffy is shaking her head and smiling at me. Andrew is opening his mouth to say something.

I grab him and slam him against the door. "If she gets out before I'm back, then your Bobba Fett dies the death of a thousand cuts."

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me!" I push my way through the crowd and head back to the gym. Faith and Robin are opening the weapons cabinet and getting ready to work out.

"Xander?"

I push my way between them—strong arming Faith isn't exactly the sanest thing to do for a guy who wants to keep his family jewels but she's too stunned to say anything to me—and grab a battle ax out of the weapons cabinet.

"We got problems?" Robin asks.

"Just the usual Harris luck with women, Robin. You two go back to what you're doing. I'll bring this back when I'm done with it."

You know, there's something about swinging a big ax that makes a guy feel more confident. I was actually grinning when I made it back to Kennedy's room.

And you know, it's true what they say. You get more cooperation with an ax and a kind word than you get from just a kind word.

By this time, Willow has joined the party. "Do you want me to open the door?" she asks in a whisper.

"No. I don't think Willow intervention is going to make Kennedy listen to me. Andrew, got out of the way unless you want a really close haircut."

Andrew squees and backs away just as I hit the door.

"Xander! What are you doing?"

"If the Kennedy won't come to the Xander, then the Xander is coming to the Kennedy." I hit the door again.

"Xander, you're insane."

"Just crazy over you, Ken. Now are you going to open this door or am I going to have to break it down… and probably ruin Faith's favorite ax in the process?"

"Put down the ax, Xander. I'll open the door."

"Okay. I'm putting down the ax."

A second later, Kennedy opens the door and sees me and the crowd that's been steadily gathering at her door. "Great. Come on in, Ax-boy."

She yanks me into the room and slams the door shut. She runs a hand through her hair and glares at me. "Okay. What do you want?"

"Right now? You're standing there looking like that and you're wondering what I want?"

"Go take a cold shower. I'm not in the mood."

"Ken … Ken, listen to me. Willow … it wasn't what you think."

"You love her, don't you?"

"Well, duh. That's not exactly a newsflash."

She looks down.

"But it's not that kind of love, Ken. What Will and I have is … well, let's just say that it's complicated, but it's not romantic. Even if she hadn't made a detour into Girlstown, we wouldn't be playing house together. We aren't going there. I went to Willow because of last night. I had to be sure …"

"Sure of what?"

"Way back when, I was dating a girl who broke up with me because I didn't fit in with her friends. I … well, I wanted revenge. I wanted to be able to make her love me again and then break up with her so she'd know how I felt. You remember Amy?"

The look in her eyes tells me she remembers Amy, and I remember what went down with Willow and Amy right before Sunnydale sank into the ground and I wish I hadn't mentioned her by name … "Right. Well, I wanted her to do the love spell for me … and let's just say she's no Will when it comes to the bippity bopity boo shtick."

"What happened?"

"Every woman who got near me wound up wanting to do the Xander dance. EVERY one. Including Buffy's mom."

"You SLEPT with Buffy's mom?"

"No. Oh God no. The spell had a side effect to where they all decided that if they couldn't have me, they'd kill me. Kind of like how most of my relationships have wound up—just at a much faster rate."

"The point, Xander?"

"I wanted to make sure that you weren't under a spell."

"What?"

"I thought there was a chance that some demon or witch had magicked you into falling for me to make you suffer … I just didn't want you to be used …"

"Xander …" She slaps me.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"I'm trying to knock some sense into your head. You really think that anyone could make ME love someone? What I'm feeling for you is real. God knows it's not smart, but it's real."

"That's good, cause … well, I'm feeling something for you."

"That's good, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Xander … I've never dated a guy before, you understand? I don't know if I can. I don't know what's going to happen."

"Me either, Ken. But I want to find out. What do you say?"

"I …" She smiles at me. "Want. Take. Have." Her arms slide up around my neck and she pulls my mouth down to hers. "Is that an ax in your hands or are you just happy to see me?"

I was going to say something really clever—I really was—but you know what?

It's awfully hard to talk when you someone else's tongue in your mouth …


End file.
